Wednesday, January 9, 2013

Good news

People using the Internet are familiar with scam, spam and phishing. For me, it seems to have accelerated in the last 2 weeks. Apparently, I'm a rich, respected person, even among people I've never heard about before now. Since nothing has changed, I don't need to rewrite an article, just republish one from 2009:

It has been a fine day today, one of the times when just everything goes right. It started early, even before the sun rose.

Shortly after 5 am, Western Union Foreign Payments Office® emailed a Notification of Payment®, advising they sent $5,000 which I could receive at any office in my country. The really good news is they will send $5,000 each day until $800,000 is paid. This is from the Nigerian Government as compensation  for being "defrauded or scam by It's Citizens."

I can't recall losing money to any Nigerian but a student from Lagos in Fort Camp residence at UBC 45 years ago didn't pay his share of the pizza one night. Not fraud, simply failure to understand our customs, I think. It wasn't hundreds of thousands of dollars but with interest compounding all those years, who knows. One can't look a gift horse in the mouth so I'm going to collect the first cash as soon as I raise $2 for bus fare.

Not even an hour later, an email arrived from Mr. Salam Sudu, director auditing and accounting department, Bank of Africa. He discovered $7.2 million belonging to a man who died in a tragic car crash and is willing to give me 40% if I pretend to be kin to the deceased. I vaguely remember an Uncle Salam, at least I think I do, and my share should be almost $3 million, not spread out over 40 days either.

Around 10 am, Dr Chan John (Managing Director and Deputy Chief Executive Hang Seng Bank Hong Kong) wrote that Iraqi Gen. Zaki Zazidel left $5.5 million on deposit when, sadly, he and his family were killed in bomb blast. Apparently the Chinese government will seize that money if no one claims it but Dr. John is willing to send it to me if I do a couple of little things. He didn't say anything about sharing but I won't count on more than half.

Another message comes from Ian George, a retired banker in the European Union, who has a 23-million pounds proposal that could be of immense benefit to both of us. Mr. George says he is sitting "on a 9 year forgotten financial inheritance that will be transferred to the state as required by law but not if we both collaborate and share the proceeds."

There are so many possibilities taking shape. I shall soon be wealthy!

On top of those listed, my email address just won 1.5 million in the Euromillion International Lottery and Li Park has offered a share of $44.5 million that once belonged to a dead client and a London barrister advises that Juriaan Krugger bequeathed $30.1 million to me. That name rings no bell for me but the barrister thinks that, being a widely travelled man, Krugger must have been in contact with me in the past somehow. Apparently, he was a member of the Helicopter Society and the Institute of Electronic & Electrical Engineers. I guess he knew about my interest in science.

Wow, I had not realized how many opportunities could come my way simply by having a public email address. Anita William advises they are giving out loans at affordable interest rates, with no upfront processing fees. And numerous people from Hang Seng Bank Hong Kong have written offering tens of millions. (That particular bank seems to have a problem with rich old clients dying without close heirs.) The FBI Anti-Terrorist And Monitory Crime Division is offering to help me access $11 million that should have come my way. All they need is a small payment for an approval slip.

When the big money arrives, that will likely be the end of blogging at Northern Insights. I have my eye on a little boat so my future activities might include admiring the sun setting on the Mediterranean, sipping wine and consulting with tax accountants. After all, the very wealthy should not pay income taxes and, as we care for our own good fortune, that will create economic stimulus that will benefit everyone, eventually, maybe.

BTW, I was reminded of this article by a researcher working at the Senate of the USA. Busy beavers they are.
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  1. Looking forward to many years of your wit then Norm. I get harrassed by Bell Canada quite regularly. Apparently, they are appalled by my lack of cellphone. I won a couple of cruises too, if I had just pressed 1.

  2. Dang!

    I thought I was the only person raking in these millions ... or I will be, as soon as I send them my bank account number.

    Enjoyed your column, Norman. It's one to be saved for the Chuckle Bucket.

  3. Great news, Norm! Isn't it wonderful when good things happen to good people? And by good people, I mean us.

  4. Wow! I can't believe your good fortune Norman! Now, to get a good Tax Advisor onboard so as you won't have to share any of your new found wealth with the Great Unwashed..................
    We shall miss your Blog.
    Bon voyage!

    Cheers Gary L.

  5. Thanks for the laughs Norm. I found that quite amusing :D

  6. Hell, I'll go to Nigeria to collect mine...

  7. Watch out you don't hit my boat Norm. Why, we might even be related if we're both 'next of kin' to that dude that died in the bomb blast. Wow, its going to feel good being 1%, now that I are one!
    John's Aghast

    1. This comment has been removed by the author.

    2. I got a new offer after this piece: one million pounds without obligation, beyond me providing my banking information!

    3. Okay, your boat will be bigger than mine.
      John's Aghast

  8. Norm,

    Time for a new email address. :)

    Happy New Year.


  9. Hmm interesting, I got a couple this week from Nigeria where I was told that nothing about the file could be revealed to me legally and then the writer immediately informed me of the contents of the file,which was 800k…..

    The other one I got was from a nice African girl who had escaped into a refugee camp and wanted to begin a relationship with me…..not sure how the internet functions in a refugee camp but who cares about the minute details right???

    Included a photo of a nice black girl in skin tight clothes and all the Gucci gear one could ever want to weight themselves down with…

  10. Have you read Will Ferguson's book '419' ?

    It won this year's Giller Prize. About Nigerian email scammers and Canadian recipients/victims.

    Gripping and thought-provoking. A great read.

  11. I never get this amusing spam.......

  12. I liked the ad telling me that if I signed up with this particular "dating" service" they could help me connect with 14,000 gorgeous babes in my own town. I wonder where they hide the 14,000 babes in my village which has less than 1000 souls of both sexes?

  13. Ethical investing?

    "BCIMC also holds equity investment in weapons manufacturers BAE Systems ($11 million), General Dynamics ($15.7 million), and Lockheed Martin ($16.3 million)."



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