Leaked documents

Leaked documents from the offices of a party insider show that BC Liberals are developing a plan to streamline the province’s ‘antiquated’ system of graft. Profiteering, influence peddling and unethical practices are under review. This includes not only self-dealing, kickbacks and minor frauds but also larger transactions, including forest, water, petroleum, mineral and other resource disposals.

Saying it’s time for more efficient ways to misuse authority, Gordon Campbell told planners:

“We must modernize our illegitimate activities right now, today, before it becomes impossible for BC Liberals to act in our best self-interests. Times are tight but we are prepared to make the tough decisions. We can't afford to lose one cent of our shady, under-the-table incomes. We have a duty—not just to our families, but to our second families with our mistresses—to create jobs and expand illicit programs to ensure that our brothers and sisters and cousins and brothers-in-law never have to put in an honest day's work."

One novel idea is to privatize authority to collect fees for un-metered water delivered to homes by rainfall. This would create a lucrative new green industry, conserving water by encouraging homeowners to collect it instead of allowing someone's potentially profitable resource to drain into storm sewers or run into rivers that don't yet have private power generators.

The wholesale graft revision is being designed by lobbyists, lawyers and former deputy ministers. Gordon Campbell is under pressure from long-time patrons who fear he will be forced out of office before their profit-making schemes are complete. Recent disruption in the international economy slowed plans to move major public assets and it is believed that an NDP government would be less cooperative in going forward with programs for privatization and other business frauds.

Campbell’s advisers applaud the recent decision to  sell  lease a downtown Vancouver site for a gambling ‘epicenter’ owned by Las Vegas based Paragon Gaming. Liberal supporters note that, during its time in office, NDP fraud was modest by comparison. As an example, they pointed to NDP association with community bingo halls whereas Liberal efforts have concentrated on massive increases in both legal and illegal gambling. That has led to commercial development in associated industries such as loansharking, addiction services and family counseling.

Despite reputed ties to organized crime of a few Nevada gamblers, Paragon Gaming instead has specialized in political influence, having been formed originally to organize casinos on American Indian lands, an art perfected by Republican convict Jack Abramoff. Liberals expect that Paragon will increase private gambling returns by assuming management of First Nations casino operations throughout BC. Right now, much of those profits are being squandered on band welfare, housing and public services.

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Inspired by the ONION but dedicated to Mary who deserves a smile for her relentless unpaid work on behalf of BC citizens